Ora's Gold Read online

  He lets out a deep sound. Relief, maybe. And grief. I can hardly breathe.

  ‘I’m pregnant, Dad,’ I say quickly, into his neck. His body goes still. He releases me a little and then unravels himself fully, searching my face for answers.

  His eyes fly to Jake, who’s very busy with his back to us, making the tea. I can see Dad gearing up to shout at him.

  ‘Dad!’

  He looks back at me, confusion all over his face.

  ‘Be nice.’ The air between us goes cold. ‘You have no right to say anything, but if you do, make sure it’s positive, or you can go back to where you came from. Do you know how long the SIF kept me in that cage for? You’re luck—’

  ‘Here’s your tea, Ora.’ Jake passes me a cup and stands between us, looking at me intently. I snatch the cup, spilling half the tea.

  ‘Douglas,’ Jake says, passing Dad his mug.

  Dad seems bewildered. He looks down at the tea and then back to Jake.

  ‘Doug. My name’s Doug.’

  I empty out a big breath of air and sit down at the table. Dad takes the seat next to me and Jakes sits opposite.

  No-one speaks. What is there to say? Dad abandoned me three times: First when I was living with him, second when I was living with Dione, and third—the worst—when the SIF locked me up. I don’t trust myself to speak.

  Eventually he starts mumbling.

  ‘After that call from the SIF, Ora, I could tell you were up to no good.’

  I begin to protest but Jake presses his toes into my foot under the table, pleading with his eyes for me to listen.

  ‘I jumped in the car and drove halfway across the country to get here,’ he continues. ‘But the road and the night got me thinking and by the time dawn arrived I’d turned back. I needed to be sure of the facts … When I got home, I rang an old mate who used to work for the SIF and asked him to find out more. I also tried Dione’s phone a hundred times. By the time he came back to me, they’d already got you.’ Dad looks into his tea with laser-like intensity—for a moment I think his cup might explode. ‘And God knows what’s happened to Dione.’

  ‘My friend told me how to play them, Ora. It was so hard—to sit there and pretend I didn’t care. They’d ring all hours, morning and night, goading me, telling me what you’d done. I broke my hand after one of the calls.’ He holds up his misshapen fingers.

  ‘But I just had to sit there and make them believe I didn’t care. I took his advice because I was in a nightmare and needed a lifeline.’ He looks at me hard. There’s so much pain in his eyes. It’s a different kind of pain though, not like his grief for Mum and Holly. This pain is alive and kicking.

  ‘And I didn’t know whether you’d done all those things or not. When I heard you were out, I was paralysed. I was so scared you’d turned into some kind of activist monster.’

  I stare into my cup. Dione’s kitchen clock is ticking very loudly. In the swirl of confusion, no words form.

  ‘I tried ringing a few times but you never answered.’ He sniffs.

  I can feel myself warming a little, melting the icy shards of despair that formed while I was locked up.

  ‘I tried Dione too.’ He looks at me intently, ‘Where is she, Ora?’

  My instincts start screaming at me. Dione is not safe with him here!

  ‘I don’t know, Dad,’ I lie. Just like that. The words slip off my tongue as easily as if I’m back in the interrogation room. I press my foot hard on top of Jake’s, willing him to back me up. Dad looks at him and he nods a curt little nod.

  ‘Stupid bitch.’

  ‘Dad!’

  ‘She could’ve got you killed. I hope she’s fallen down a hole and died.’

  ‘Shut up!’ I yell.

  ‘She got you into all of this.’ He points at my belly.

  ‘She didn’t get me pregnant, Dad! You don’t give a shit about me. You wouldn’t even speak to me on the phone. You left me in there.’ Jake can’t stop me now. I’m off, the ragged memories of the SIF tearing me in half.

  ‘She was the reason you were in there!’

  ‘It’s never been about me, has it Dad? Even when I was at home, you’d stopped seeing me, hearing me. You didn’t care about me. Too wrapped up in your own pain. I bet it was easy leaving me in there. You probably didn’t even notice.’

  ‘Ora,’ Jake begins. I ignore him and shout harder.

  ‘Dione cares for me—for me—she cares! You’ve got your head so far up your arse that you wouldn’t know how to pull it out even if you wanted to! When Mum and Holly died, you might as well have died too!’

  Dad looks horrified. I sneer.

  ‘The SIF got you to come here, didn’t they? Your crying act almost had me …’ I can’t believe it. ‘They asked you to find Dione, didn’t they? Well, I hope your choice was worth it, Dad, because you’ve lost me now.’ My voice drops to a whisper. ‘Now you’ve lost everyone. All your family, Dad, your whole family … gone.’ I stop and gulp down a sob, catching my breath.

  Jake sits, totally at a loss, and Dad doesn’t look much better. I turn and run, slamming the door, and fling myself onto my old bed. I can barely breathe for crying.

  I hear the car going down the driveway and hope Jake is taking Dad to the station. But then Jake comes in—Dad has gone into town in the ute. He’ll be back later.

  ‘I don’t want him here, Jake. He’s working for the SIF.’

  He snuggles up to me on the single bed and neither of us talks for a long time.

  ‘I know he’s hurt you, Ora, but I can’t believe he’d do that.’

  ‘He wants to get at Dione. He doesn’t see things like you.’ I’m getting wound up again.

  ‘He’s pissed off with Dione, sure, but he came here for you, Ora.’ Jake looks at me earnestly. ‘Seems like he’s really trying.’

  ‘Hmph,’ I reply.

  ‘At least he’s not drowned himself in the bottle,’ Jake says bitterly.

  ‘Grief or the bottle, what’s the difference?’ I reply, just as bitter.

  ‘A lot,’ Jake says.

  ‘They both suck you dry, Jake.’

  ‘Yeah, but you choose grog. You don’t choose grief, it chooses you.’

  ‘You still get to choose how you respond,’ I argue. ‘And Dad chose to get so swallowed up by it that he forgot about me.’

  ‘He’s making a different choice now, isn’t he?’

  ‘Too late, Jake. Too bloody late.’

  He’s looking at me with despairing eyes. ‘I just see a man who wants his daughter back.’

  ‘Will you take him to the station?’

  ‘Really?’

  I nod, feeling fresh tears brewing. I have to send Dad away. Protect Dione.

  I stay in bed. After an hour or so Jake brings me a sandwich before going to do some study. When Dad returns, I hear him and Jake murmuring, then footsteps and a knock at my door. I pull the covers over my head and curl into a ball.

  The door opens gently.

  ‘Ora?’ Dad says. I hold my breath. ‘Ora.’ He comes in and stands beside the bed.

  Is that his hand on my shoulder?

  ‘I’m going to go. I don’t want to but … if you really don’t want me here …’

  I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out his voice.

  ‘I’m sorry, love,’ he pauses. ‘Guess I stuffed up pretty bad.’

  There is a long silence. He takes his hand away, ‘You know where I am, Ora.’ He sounds empty.

  The door clicks shut. Soon after, the engine starts. My tears flow again. The little girl in me wants to run after him, call him back. But I don’t.

  26

  Letter

  I feel flat for days. Even Dione’s visits don’t lift me.

  I know they’re both worried, but I can’t help it. I’m being tossed about like tumbleweed, riddled with guilt one minute—Mum would not be pleased—hateful and blaming the next. Traumatic flashbacks to the SIF. Doubt. Maybe he isn’t in league with them … But what if he is
? What if he tells them I’m pregnant?

  Jake tries to distract me—everything from picnics to breakfast in bed to surprise movie nights. None of it works.

  ‘D’you realise you’re doing exactly the same thing as your dad?’ he says one day when he gets home from uni and I’m still in bed.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I ask.

  ‘You judged your dad for “choosing” to get lost in his grief.’ I don’t like his tone. ‘And now you’re doing the same.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I repeat.

  ‘You’re choosing to get lost inside yourself.’

  I’m dumbfounded.

  ‘I feel like you don’t see me anymore, Ora. All you do, all day, is lie here like a vegetable. It’s been weeks! You’re completely self-absorbed.’

  He’s working himself up.

  ‘How d’you think Gumnut is going to like having a zombie for a mother? Maybe we should find another family for him, once he’s born?’

  A whoosh of heat courses through me and my temper catches ablaze. How dare he strike out at me about being a bad mother? The baby isn’t even here yet! What does he know about babies? And he certainly doesn’t know about mothers—he behaves like he doesn’t even have one!

  He calls me disengaged and self-pitying, says that I’m too afraid to think about the birth.

  We stab and strike at each other with our words. We’re so blind with fury that we’re just screaming, not listening. The pain and confusion that have been festering inside me come out in a torrent. I stop making sense and become a mass of profanities, shouting and crying.

  It’s exhausting.

  Spent, I sit back on the bed and close my mouth. Jake is silent too. Then I take in a huge gulp of air and blow it out again, puffing up my cheeks. And another gulp, like I’m coming up for air.

  I’m totally finished with being a zombie. All this heat has woken me up. I’m alive again.

  I look at Jake and grin at him. He comes over to hug me and I squeeze him tight.

  ‘God, I’ve missed you,’ he says.

  ‘I’m sorry, Jake,’ I reply, marvelling at his ability to let things drop so quickly. And then, after a long while, ‘I’m back, I promise.’

  Dione looks relieved when she next comes to visit. She mentions the colour has returned to my cheeks.

  As long as I don’t think about Dad I’m okay.

  Unfortunately I’m not that good at controlling my thoughts.

  *

  We start to see more and more of Dione. She says she’s totally over her own company. As the days slip into weeks and my belly begins to swell, we even start having dinner together. The SIF are busy on some water theft crackdown and none of us has seen or felt them around for months. Maybe they’ve finally forgotten about us.

  Jake seems to like Dione, but I can tell he prefers it when it’s just the two of us. He hasn’t spoken again of ‘sharing’ me, or of the birth, but sometimes he’s mega-grumpy for no reason.

  One day, towards the end of spring, a letter arrives addressed to me. It has the government’s official seal on it.

  Here we go. I take a deep breath and slit open the envelope. It’s a short letter, instructing me to report in weekly to the nearest SIF office—in the city—as a result of recent investigations into my ‘case’.

  Why now?

  Will they notice Gumnut? How am I going to hide him? Why weekly? Why now? What’s changed?

  Dad?

  Surely not … He couldn’t possibly have …

  I refuse to follow this thought any further, and for once my mind obeys.

  Why can’t my life ever settle down? Whenever I drop my guard and start to breathe normally, the SIF appear and everything turns to shit. I am so over being controlled by them.

  Jake and Dione talk long into the night about a plan. I resume my blob-like state—staring into the distance. It probably looks like I’ve totally checked out, but inside I am frantic. I cannot go back to the SIF. They’ll see Gumnut and lock me up and then take him away forever. I should have gone into the Program. What have I done?

  ‘I think we should disappear,’ Jake is saying.

  ‘You keep saying that, Jake,’ Dione says, exasperation creeping into her voice. ‘But it’s not that easy.’

  ‘Well, at least I’m saying something.’ Jake looks pointedly at me.

  ‘Look what happened last time,’ Dione says. ‘Ora didn’t exactly get very far.’

  ‘But you didn’t plan!’ Jake’s voice is getting louder. ‘And you had no time. Of course she got caught. If we plan properly we can disguise ourselves, go interstate. Somewhere really busy where we can disappear into the crowd, like … like the Gold Coast! I’ve never stayed in a hotel before.’

  ‘You’re crazy.’ Dione smiles. Is she taking him seriously?

  ‘Or we could go bush,’ Jake says, sounding desperate. ‘If we’re clever enough and leave no tracks, they’ll never find us.’

  Dione shrugs. She is at least considering this.

  ‘Is it too late to go into the Program?’ I ask quietly.

  ‘I’m not sure that Ora wants to have her baby in the middle of nowhere,’ she says, completely ignoring me.

  ‘You’ll be with us, won’t you?’ Jake asks. ‘You know what you’re doing.’

  ‘I want to go into the Program,’ I say, louder this time.

  ‘You’re kidding,’ Dione says, incredulous.

  Jake speaks over her. ‘How can you say that now? It’s too late.’

  ‘I can’t lose Gumnut,’ I say quietly.

  ‘You’ve been to the MBD Centre too many times. They’ll know you’ve been faking. I tried talking to you about this months ago!’

  ‘I can’t meet any SIF officers. I’ll crack …’

  Dione and Jake look at me. There’s a long silence.

  ‘What date do you have to report in?’ Dione asks finally.

  ‘The third of November,’ I whisper.

  ‘In four days,’ Jake says.

  I can almost hear him thinking. He’s working out whether four days is long enough to get away, far enough away from here.

  ‘What if they want to examine me?’ I say, feeling the panic rise again. ‘If they do a check-up of some kind they’ll see.’

  ‘They won’t do a medical, Ora,’ Dione reassures me. ‘They’ve got no reason to.’

  ‘How do you know that? What if Dad’s told them?’ I say, finally naming my fear. I immediately want to swallow it back after the way they both look at me.

  ‘Ora—’ Jake starts.

  ‘No way!’ Dione cuts him off. ‘There’s no way your dad would dob you in.’ She speaks slowly and clearly, making sure the words sink in. ‘Me, maybe, but he’s not going to put you at risk. He wouldn’t.’

  I just look at her.

  ‘I’ve known him for years, Ora, and I know he would never put you in harm’s way. That’s just not who he is.’

  I nod and decide to keep these particular fears to myself from now on.

  ‘I think you’re going to have to go in, Ora,’ Jake says very gently, like I’m a jittery horse about to bolt. ‘Just once.’

  I shake my head fiercely. No way! ‘What if they don’t let me out again? What if they keep me there? I can’t. I can’t!’ My eyes are nearly popping out of my head.

  All I get back is silence and long stares.

  ‘We just don’t have enough time to plan, Ora,’ Jake says. ‘If we’re going to take off we need to have a plan.’

  ‘Fuck the planning!’ I shout, fear frothing inside me. ‘You’re not the ones who have to go in there and face them. What do we need a plan for? Let’s just get in the car and drive!’

  ‘We’d need a different car,’ Dione says quietly.

  ‘Maybe we won’t even go by car,’ Jake says. ‘Train or bus might be safer.’ He goes quiet. ‘Maybe Tom’s got an old car he could lend us, or … a boat.’ He starts to look excited. ‘We could go by boat!’

  ‘Wha—?’ Dione starts to say.
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  ‘Tom’s got an old boat in the barn. It’s one of those sailor trailer ones, a twenty-five footer. She hasn’t been out for years but I know her well. I grew up sailing her! Hey, we could sail to New Zealand!’

  He looks like he’s ready to party.

  ‘I don’t know anything about boats,’ Dione says. ‘Would a boat that size fit all three of us?’

  ‘For sure! And have enough space for supplies. It’d need some work though. Some patching up and a good clean out.’

  ‘How experienced are you at sailing?’ Dione’s looking interested.

  ‘Very,’ Jake replies. ‘I sailed nearly every weekend for two years with Tom, Melissa and my sisters. We’d sail to different beaches and camp overnight. It was awesome.’

  ‘It’s one thing to sail around the coast and another to cross the Tasman,’ Dione says. ‘I’ve heard it can get wild out there.’

  ‘You’re right.’ He slumps. ‘If it was just me I’d do it. Can either of you sail?’

  We shake our heads.

  ‘Who am I kidding? The boat’s not made to cross a wild ocean,’ he says quietly.

  ‘But there’s nothing to stop us sailing around the coast,’ Dione says. ‘We could go to Queensland. I’m a quick learner, and if we follow the coastline and just go ashore for supplies, we’ll have the perfect hiding place! As long as the SIF don’t get wind of it, and we’re not recognised.’ Dione is looking deadly serious.

  I am starting to like the idea too. If we have to disappear, we’ll need to keep moving, and there’ll be fewer people to worry about on the ocean. And there’s nowhere I feel more at home.

  Jake is picking up the phone, to ring Tom no doubt, but Dione stops him.

  ‘Better play it safe. It’s the weekend tomorrow. A trip up there would look like a normal visit.’

  27

  The Plan

  Things move fast; much faster than my pregnant body can keep up with. I am consumed with fear.

  Dione’s decided to come with us to Tom and Sarah’s; it makes sense to move her to the boat straightaway, even though it’ll put Tom and Sarah in danger and they haven’t even said yes yet. But it’ll only be for a few days, and the SIF have no idea she was involved in Little Tom’s birth.