Ora's Gold Page 15
The first few times I feel the baby move it’s vague, almost like a school of tiny fish zigzagging around inside me. I’m not sure it’s real, it’s so distant. Soon though, the unmistakeable feel of a gentle prod from inside becomes the starting point of many conversations between me and the baby. Sometimes I speak out loud, but usually it’s a silent dialogue, me talking to Gumnut, him listening. I don’t know why, but I think it’s a he.
24
Thief
One cold, wintery morning when I go out to collect the eggs and find only one, I make a decision—to catch the thief. I know the chooks are still laying, I’m just not getting to the eggs in time. My guess is it’s a raven or a rat, but I don’t understand why there aren’t any shells left lying around. I decide to film the hen house. When I know what it is, I can set a trap.
After a long search, I find the video camera in a box at the back of Dione’s wardrobe. Luckily the old-fashioned charger is still with it. There’s a tape inside with some footage of me and Holly on one of our visits. It gets me right in the heart when I watch it. And watch it and watch it. At the very end, there’s a close-up of her. Looking into my sister’s eyes takes me full circle, from feeling momentarily complete back to hollowed-out numbness.
When Jake gets home he finds me on the sofa, teary and morbid but kind of happy too. After he’s pressed pause and held me for a while, he starts talking about the chickens. It’s a good distraction. He coaxes me into making a short film where he and the chickens are the main characters. It’s totally stupid, and exactly what I need.
We decide to tape the camera to one of the branches above the chicken coop. I’m just about to go up the ladder when Jake does his, ‘Let me do it, you’re pregnant’ thing. A couple of times when I’ve gone to lift something he’s gently placed his hand on my arm and taken it from me. Mostly I like it—he’s doing it in a loving way.
Sure enough, the next morning there are only two eggs waiting for me. I drag the ladder out and, pen-knife in hand, climb up to the branch. Just as I’m cutting the tape the ladder starts to wobble. I call out as I start to fall. My hand grabs onto the tree and I cling on with all my might until the ladder is still again. What a wake-up call! I have to remember there are two of us now.
Eventually, finally, I’m sitting in front of the laptop with the camera rigged up.
After a few seconds I switch it to fast forward. In the middle of a yawn as I debate getting something more to eat, a movement on the screen catches my eye. I press rewind.
What I see next sends me into a complete spin. Shock and disbelief; certainty, fury, elation. The shadowy figure that emerges on the screen isn’t an animal. It’s Dione.
My mouth is dry and I start to feel nauseous. There are a hundred questions racing through my mind.
Jake is as shocked as I was, and has to watch the scene a few times to let it sink in.
‘All the hours I’ve spent worrying about her, fretting, longing for news. Any news. And she’s been here all along! Stealing eggs, and half the veggies from the garden, no doubt. Why didn’t she let me know she was here? I don’t understand, it’s not like I would’ve—’
‘Ora,’ Jake interrupts. ‘Can I jus—’
‘I know she worries about safety but she goes over the top with the protection thing. Maybe she was thinking the less I knew the better. But all the sa—’
‘Ora!’ Jake says firmly. I stop talking. He looks worried. ‘I just need to think.’
‘What about? It’s simple. We’re going to spring a trap and catch her.’
‘And the SIF?’ he asks.
‘What d’you mean?’
‘C’mon, Ora. They’re still sniffing around. D’you want to get taken in again?’
‘They stopped watching this place weeks ago. I should know. I’m the one here all the time.’
‘They want Dione and they won’t rest until they’ve got her. Why d’you think she’s kept herself hidden all this time?’ He pauses. ‘She’s not stupid, Ora.’
‘What? And I am?’
‘That’s not what I said.’
‘I thought you’d be on my side!’
‘It’s not about sides!’
‘Don’t you understand how I’m feeling?’ I ask with a shaky voice.
He looks like he’s going to fire some comment back but takes a deep breath instead. ‘I’m just taking it in. This is big—it changes everything. Things were starting to feel really good. Not having to think about the SIF all the time. Just living … Now I’m going to have to go on hyper-drive again.’
We sit for a while in silence, the righteous wind seeping out of my sails. What Jake says is true. Everything is about to change. My thoughts flit from us to Dione. I start to see Dione’s point of view more clearly, remembering the danger she’s in. The danger we’re in.
‘I’ll have to move out,’ Jake says after a big sigh.
‘What?’
‘I’m sleeping in her bed, Ora.’
‘She won’t care!’ I cannot believe what he’s just said.
‘We haven’t even asked her.’
‘She hasn’t been here to ask! The first sign of trouble and you’re bailing?’
‘Of course not!’
I move to the other end of the sofa and glare at him.
‘I can’t believe you’re talking about leaving. We’re having a baby, in case you’ve forgotten!’
‘I didn’t mean leave YOU!’
Here is another man bailing on me. All the pain of Dad not being around surfaces and I fling it all at him. Jake shouts back, defending himself, saying I’m off with the fairies half the time and how dare I accuse him of bailing when all he’s done is stick by me. We rant and rave and I say all sorts of things I don’t mean. The pent-up stress of the baby and the news of Dione’s return is swirling in the room. I’m just taking a breath to launch another barrage when I feel a third presence in the room. I look to the doorway and there, standing quietly, looking out of place in her own home, is Dione.
‘The ladder,’ she gestures to the garden. ‘I guessed something was up so I peeked through the window … saw you both watching …’ She trails off and points half-heartedly at the laptop.
Jake stands up wide eyed. He looks like he doesn’t know whether to shake hands with Dione or run. I want to laugh. Then Dione and I lock eyes. The element of surprise is all hers. I could hit her. Instead I just sit mutely, concentrating on the dirt under my nails. She moves into one of the armchairs, lowering herself carefully.
Jake sits too.
Nobody says anything. Jake clears his throat a couple of times, as if he’s going to speak but thinks better of it.
Eventually I blurt out, ‘Shame you only show yourself when you have to!’ My voice is all wrong. Yowly.
No-one says anything.
‘Have you forgotten your manners, Dione?’
She looks at me, sorrow and fatigue pulling at her features. I can see her searching for the right words but I steam in before she says anything.
‘I know you’ve met Jake before. We’ve been sleeping in your bed. I hope you don’t mind but I thought you were dead. We’re having a baby in December, in case you didn’t get that bit when you were spying on us through the window.’ Tears prick my eyes. I hate her and I hate myself. ‘I decided to start a new family seeing as mine are all dead or useless … But Jake has just told me he’s moving out …’ I’m trying to hold it together but failing miserably.
Jake moves in beside me and goes to put his arm around me but I push him away. He stays close anyway. Dione sits quietly, taking us both in. She looks shocked.
‘Oh, Ora,’ she says finally.
She gets up and comes to sit on the arm of the sofa so I’m sandwiched between her and Jake, who whispers that he isn’t going anywhere, and puts his arm around me. Dione leans in, holding my right hand in both of hers, squeezing it gently. I close my eyes, wanting to believe I’m safe.
We sit for ages.
‘What a mess I
’ve made of everything,’ Dione says eventually, sounding far away.
I look at my aunt properly—she looks old. Her skin is all pasty and her eyes are dull. I wish she didn’t look so feeble.
‘Where have you been?’ I ask. She can’t have seen sunlight for months.
‘Up at the B&B.’ She smiles cautiously, pausing to see if I’m ready to hear. I raise my eyebrows in a question.
‘I never showed you but there’s a small space under the garage that the first owner dug out. The entrance is via one of the storage cupboards in the laundry room. I don’t know what the crazy guy was thinking but he saved my life. The SIF had no idea.’
‘You can’t have been living in a hole all this time?’ Jake sounds incredulous.
‘No.’ Dione smiles, looking tired again. ‘I spent days down there initially, when the SIF were here all the time. But when their searches dropped off I started coming out more, spending time in the cottage, keeping well back from the windows. I could always hear them coming. You almost caught me a few weeks ago Ora, when you burst in.’
So that’s why it felt like Dione had just been there.
‘I only come outside at night,’ she says, moving back to her chair. ‘And I keep close to the cottage unless I have to come down here for food.’
Dione looks at me for a long time and I don’t say anything. Then I guess what she’s thinking.
‘The condom broke,’ I say shortly. I want her to know—it’s important. She nods.
‘December?’ she asks about the due date.
‘December.’ I can see a mixture of disappointment and concern in her eyes.
‘Is it okay with you if we carry on living here?’ Jake asks tentatively.
‘Of course,’ Dione replies. ‘Everything needs to stay the same—we’ve got to keep the SIF away.’
‘They’re not getting their hands on my baby,’ I put my hands protectively over Gumnut.
Dione smiles.
‘I’m beginning to understand,’ I say. ‘About why you did what you did. And the mothers, too … I still think you’re all crazy!’ I smile, holding my belly again. ‘But everything’s changing … The thought of someone having power over him—’
‘Oh, it’s a “him”, is it?’
‘Gumnut,’ Jake chimes in, grinning widely. ‘But …’ he clears his throat. ‘We haven’t decided where we’re having him yet.’
‘Not in the Program,’ I say vehemently, surprising myself. I say it again more gently.
Jake looks shocked, then stands up and stretches. ‘I think I might get some air.’ He nods at Dione as he goes out.
More silence.
‘So … are you going to stick around?’ I ask, feeling shy but desperately needing her to say yes.
‘You betcha,’ she says, sounding more like her old self.
Warm relief flushes through me. She starts chuckling.
‘What?’ I ask.
‘Well, it’s just that old patterns die hard … every time I decide to quit being a midwife, something happens and I can never say no.’
‘What? That’s so unfair! That’s like putting all your activist stuff on my shoulders!’
‘I didn’t mean it like that.’
‘I still have to forgive you for getting me into trouble with the SIF!’
‘You’re right, Ora.’
‘And for disappearing on me!’
‘You’re right again.’ She’s looking so old. ‘I just wanted you to understand, that’s all. I won’t say another word.’
25
Dad
By the time Jake returns I’m yawning. Dione leaves, telling us not to go to the cottage under any circumstances—she’ll come for a visit soon. Taking a handful of books off her shelves, she steals out into the night.
The atmosphere is cold between Jake and me as we get ready for bed. I crack a joke about him sticking around after all, but it lands flat and he keeps his back to me as he curls up for sleep. But I wrap myself around him and cuddle in anyway.
In the morning when we wake, we’re entwined like usual, and we spend a long time just looking. Not talking, but reading each other’s eyes. Finally, he says, ‘I’m not ready to share you.’
I don’t know what to say. I’m tempted to make another joke, one about being a piece of meat who isn’t ready to be carved up, but I don’t.
‘That’s an interesting way of putting it.’
‘Last night was weird. I’m not used to someone else being around. And what about when the baby comes?’
‘You’re worried about sharing me with the baby?’
He just looks at me.
‘It’s not about sharing me, Jake,’ I’m trying to be gentle. I don’t want to argue again.
‘I’m just used to having you to myself.’ He sounds grumpy, and now my hackles are rising.
‘Well, excuse me for having one other person in my life and another due in December!’
‘I’m just telling you how it’s already changed.’ He sounds sad. ‘It was sweet. What we had.’
‘Yeah, and we’ll still have it most of the time. It’s not like Dione’s going to come out every minute, dancing with bells on.’
He smiles and my heart melts a little.
‘I’ve felt so loved, these past few weeks, living with you. It’s been perfect. Apart from missing Dione and the odd SIF car going by …’
‘Yeah, you’re right.’
‘But nothing lasts, Jake. Everything dies.’
‘No need to be dramatic.’ He holds me tightly.
‘It does, though.’
‘Can we talk about the birth instead?’
I’m still not ready for this conversation.
‘I know you said last night you didn’t want to go into the Program but I think we should talk about it.’
My mobile rings and I jump up to get it, grateful for the interruption. I don’t recognise the number.
‘Ora!’ Dad’s gravelly voice booms, stilling my blood. ‘Are you at the house?’
My heart’s pounding in my chest—the last call from him heralded the SIF.
‘Yes,’ I manage.
‘Great! I’m at Adelaide Station. I’ll be there as soon as I can. My battery’s dyi—’ And he’s gone.
My legs are jelly. I’m totally blank.
Jake comes up behind me and hugs my belly. He takes the phone and puts it back on the dresser. ‘Who was that?’
‘Looks like you’re going to have to carve me up into a few more pieces.’
‘What?’
‘That was Dad. He’ll be here in a couple of hours.’
‘Shit!’
I want to run.
‘What d’you want me to do?’ he asks.
‘How should I know?’ Panic strangles my voice. A few weeks ago, I decided I was never going to see my dad again. Now he’s on his way here, like he’s come for a holiday.
My eyes scan the room, searching out an answer on the walls. ‘His battery died. I can’t even call him back to tell him not to come.’ I move towards the door.
‘Where are you going?’
‘To ask Dione what to do.’
‘Don’t go up there!’ There’s an edge to his voice.
I pause.
‘She can’t help us. We’ve got to sort this out ourselves.’
I sit down at the kitchen table.
And that’s where we are when the doorbell rings. We’ve both dressed, and forced some food down—Jake makes me eat, saying it’ll help me think straighter.
Jake gets up, gesturing for me to stay at the table.
‘He’s my dad, my responsibility.’ I stand up.
‘Let me open the door and introduce myself.’
I shake my head.
‘It’s a guy thing,’ he sounds determined.
‘But—’
‘You have to let me.’
My throat goes dry and I sit again, watching Jake’s back as he goes. I wish I could see Dad’s face, expecting me but getting Jake. But at
the same time, I don’t want to see him at all.
I wish this wasn’t happening.
Jake starts to speak but stops to clear his throat. Then he says clearly, ‘I’m Jake, Mr James. Ora’s partner.’
They must be shaking hands. I hear Dad use his work voice. ‘Douglas James.’
What? He never calls himself Douglas! I wish I could see his face.
I stand up, push in my chair and wait, barely remembering to breathe. They walk into the kitchen, Jake first, then Dad. Jake comes around the table and stands beside me, putting his arm around my waist—another guy thing that isn’t lost on me.
Dad and I look at each other. I’m glad the table is between us. He looks smaller.
I nod a hello. ‘Dad,’ is all I can manage.
His eyes fill with tears. I am so not ready for him to cry. I grip the back of the chair.
I can see he’s struggling. He forces his lips into a smile but fails miserably as they curl back into sorrow. The tears slide down his cheeks and he furiously brushes them away.
I start to move towards him but stop myself. I vowed never to see him again.
Suddenly Snake whispers from nowhere, making me start. ‘Ora, your mother would want you to give him a chance.’
Oh, piss off!
‘Look at him, Ora. He’s a wreck. He’s had no-one. NO-ONE. No Dione. No Jake. No-one.’
Why did he have to show up now?
His shoulders are heaving and quiet sobs are forcing their way out. I don’t want to hear my crazy snake’s voice but my feet are moving towards him.
I look at Jake. Why doesn’t he say something?
‘Does anyone want a cup of tea?’ he asks, picking up the kettle.
I take another step but I don’t want to. But he’s my dad. Another reluctant step. I want to stay this side of the table. My own tears are streaming now. I’m at the end of the table and as I move around it, he takes two strides to reach me and we hug fiercely.
‘I hate you, Dad,’ I whisper through uneven sobs. ‘I hate you,’ I say louder, and punch him on the back. ‘Why didn’t you come and get me?’
‘I know, love,’ he says into my hair. ‘I hate me too.’
He smells of home.